Trusting, my greatest struggle. I've never been so hurt and blessed by the Lord in one year... well maybe I have, but never with so much of my heart out there, with handing everything over to Him. I've never know love in such a way, never felt so completely able to love. What is God all about? I've been having trouble since I got home, relating to the Lord. I don't want any of what I knew before. I want to scratch it all and find out the truth. What is it all really about? How does being in relation with God really work? I've kept trying to reach for my bible, but can't keep from reverting to form and rigidity. I hesitate. There has to be more than this. While painting I feel God with, moving through, not forced, not in any other way. I so want to pursue God, but I don't want to assume the position I once held.
I've been feeling a call to rest. Casting off the obligation of society. Finding what life is and how to live it. There is a life inside me, a scream, that I have never let out in order to keep in balance the order of pretense. I feel the grooves beginning to slip back into their rightful flow.
joints return to rest.
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