A Step Further (back on the horse 2)
Warning: there's a considerable amount of TMI in this, especially the beginning.
My husband comes back today and I find myself wanting to barf. No I really mean that. I woke up this morning deciding whether to succumb to diarrhea or just throw up and get over how sick I feel. As I said before, I am not used to eating a lot of sugar and drinking soda, so this week has seriously messed with my digestion. Its almost as if my body is purging me of my bad choices.
My mindset has changed as well. The moment I woke up, I only wanted to clean the house, eat healthier and exercise. This and a note from a friend I recently read, makes me wonder if I have some serious identity and perception issues to work out. I wonder if I think these thing determine how much Nate loves me.
I slept over at a friend's house a couple nights ago, and it reminded me of sleeping over at my friend Kim's house several years ago. I was going through a really rough time then and her place was a beautiful escape of peace. Why do I feel like my own home is not a place of peace? I think its because I put mounds of requirements upon myself. I think I must be this or that to be loved, to be successful. So much pressure.
Maybe getting "back on the horse" is only a small piece in this equation. I need to take a step back from my assumptions and truly consider the reality of how I am loved.
My husband comes back today and I find myself wanting to barf. No I really mean that. I woke up this morning deciding whether to succumb to diarrhea or just throw up and get over how sick I feel. As I said before, I am not used to eating a lot of sugar and drinking soda, so this week has seriously messed with my digestion. Its almost as if my body is purging me of my bad choices.
My mindset has changed as well. The moment I woke up, I only wanted to clean the house, eat healthier and exercise. This and a note from a friend I recently read, makes me wonder if I have some serious identity and perception issues to work out. I wonder if I think these thing determine how much Nate loves me.
I slept over at a friend's house a couple nights ago, and it reminded me of sleeping over at my friend Kim's house several years ago. I was going through a really rough time then and her place was a beautiful escape of peace. Why do I feel like my own home is not a place of peace? I think its because I put mounds of requirements upon myself. I think I must be this or that to be loved, to be successful. So much pressure.
Maybe getting "back on the horse" is only a small piece in this equation. I need to take a step back from my assumptions and truly consider the reality of how I am loved.
Comments
What you're writing about is something that I am all too familiar with, and even now I am in a place of "remission" if you will. This video explains really well how we find healing and freedom:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF1X9VvQbD4
This band's music has really been resonating deeply in my heart because it speaks to the very thing that I struggle with. Here's the full song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFVSMTVavhQ
I realize that this is a CCM tune... but I'm really encouraged that the CCM industry is allowing this powerful aspect of the Gospel message out into the airwaves.
Here's the bottom line: None of us is perfect. Every one of else will fall off the horse. We will all screw up... and sometimes rather majorly. But the good news is the Father loves you none the less and so do I, as your brother in Christ. I see you and Nate as my heroes. The enemy would want you to buy into the pathetic shadow of a black and white paper cut out of what he deems as the reality of who you are, but you are living color, 3 dimensional, bright and shining because of who you *really* are in Jesus.
I shared that video because this is the very thing that has brought freedom and healing in my life, which is allowing me to once again live the life that Jesus died for me to have. Finding that person whom you trust fully to whom you can confess your sins is paramount. THAT is church.
Love you!
You're welcome.