losing friends.

Today we're going to see a friend we met a few months ago.  He's a guy that we were able to pray for and so we want to follow up.  So it was suggested to me that we should bring a pastor along to connect our friend with.  This makes so much sense but for some reason I find myself afraid.

I have felt this many times before.  Struggling to hold onto those around me.  Adjusting and preventing circumstances in order to not lose another friend.  Why is this in me?  I am afraid that my friend will be pushed away, but is that really my fault.  What is under the surface of my fear?  I have lost such a large number of friends... does that happen to everyone?  Is that just life?  It burns and I feel so raw, like my heart has been cut open for everyone to see.  I just want to feel healing.  I feel like if I just started swearing or shouting then I will feel release of this raw feeling.  I don't give a damn if you think I'm too honest or that I share too much.  Why is this the course of life?  Lord, I seek your healing.  I choose to take a break... to sooth my brokenness.  Dig deep and clean the scars that are out of my reach and have held from you.