honesty...

When is it okay to be really honest with myself?  I've been filling out forms and chatting with friends about Jesus, about what my plans are next, and what my trip was like.  I feel the plastic over my skin and I'm not sure where it came from.  At times I feel like I need to defend my chosen location and other times I feel the pride creeping to my mouth, "why yes, I am going there.  Oh it is dangerous, but I am a hero, so I can handle it."  The vomit is also creeping to my mouth.  I feel like I am hiding from the truth.  I'm not sure what I'm afraid of.  I'm guessing I now feel like I need to prove I should be an overseas worker, like I need to earn and sustain some sort of status.  But isn't that the whole point, giving glory to God.  I am having the hardest time filling out my staff app.  I keep wanting to fill out the questions with stories of how close God and I are, but truthfully, although we are close, I've been avoiding Him lately.  I hardly listen for His voice.  What's the point of getting wrapped up in this new adventure, or finding intimacy in other places?  If it doesn't involve God, honestly, what really is the point.  He is the point.  He's in it all.  And it is okay for me to say, I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together.  And I sin and have problems, and make mistakes all the time.  But God still desires relationship with us and He still desires to use us and He wants to be involved in creation with his creation.  Lord, you are my provider... even if I mess up and you provide how I don't expect.  I have no idea how to do all this new stuff.  But you do.  Please guide me.  I look to you for direction.